Alright as you can see I haven't been doing this whole bloging thing very well. This is actually my second attempt at a blog, and it doesn't seem to be going well. The last time it didn't work I gave up and started a new one. I thought about doing that again, but I changed my mind. I think instead I need to follow through on my original commitment to share my triumph and struggles when it comes to my attempt at a life of worship.
We all give up sometimes. Sometimes it is a good thing to give up, other times its not. For example on a damaging relationship can be healing, other times we need to keep going and fix that relationship. The trick is to know at what point do we stop trying and give up. Now I am not in any way claiming that I know that point, but I have experienced that point recently in my life and it wasn't easy.
I had a friend who I loved sincerly. I saw greatness in them and really wanted them to continue to grow. I pushed them to grow and expand within their faith. Problems occured when I made a mistake in my own life. Originally this person did not see it as a mistake, but quickyl changed their mind as I began explaining the wrong in my action. Instead of forgiveness, disapointment came into play. Now this offence was not directed to this person but I injured them none the less by not living up to what I was holding them to.
This offence as been forgiven by God a long time ago, but my friend could not let go of it. For me it felt that everything I did was being judged by the mistake that I made. This hurt me because instead of felling forgiven and being able to move on and grow in my faith and life, I was being put down and made to feel guilty over and over again. Guilty does not help you move on and dwelling in guilt does not allw a person to feel like they have been forgiven. Being stuck I could not grow. Everytime I felt good again, felt like I had been forgiven and could move on I would get a look or a comment, and I would relive the pain and the guilt.
I finally decided I needed to do something about it, and I made sure that this person realized my discontent. After a confrontation with this person I decided to give them a second chance. I let go all the hurt and pain and judgement. I talked to God asking Him to help our friendship so that we could once again trust and learning from each other. I was once again disapointed and hurt.
This time I realized that my relationship with God was actually being hindered by the friendship that I had. I could not freely be freed from this sin if I was in constant judgement from someone I thought cared about me. I decided to give up. That is I gave it up to God. I let go of this persons judgements, trust, and painful encounters. I gave this person up to God knowing that I no longer could teach them and that they could no longer teach me. Instead of raising me to Christ my friend was dragging me down.
I no longer consider this person a friend, but I still pray for them. This decision has actually brought peace to me. I feel like I have made the right decision, and the guilt that I have felt is gone, and I feel strong enough to no longer have a need to relive it. I feel more dependant on God because of it. Now I am pretty sure that this person will not read this blog (I don't think they would take the time to do so), but if by chance they do; I am sorry that we are no longer friends, but I needed to do this. I hope that one day we can be reconciled, but for the sake of my own needs and faith, there are something you need to do first.
To live a life of worship we need to cut off the things that bring us down. Like a rose bush that needs to be pruned in order to grow. Throwing off what hinders our faith (Hebrews 12:1): that is living a life of worship.
